Cindy and I at my niece’s wedding. June 2023

My Wife, Cindy

June 13, 2024

Today was my wife’s birthday.  Cindy is officially old now as she turned 65.  LOL

I was sitting here tonight thinking of the last 44 years together, of which we were married 41 years.  It has been an amazing ride through life with this wonderful woman.  There have been good times and bad times.  Times of loving cuddles and knockdown fights.  But because of God’s love, we have made it through.

I met Cindy the week after I turned 19 years old.  I thought she was maybe 16 or 17.  It was VERY surprising to learn that she was 21.  In fact, my reaction was, ‘’Wow, you’re that old?’’  It must have been God’s will for us to be together, she married me after that auspicious start.

Dating

We met on October 21^st, 1980, and married on May 21, 1983.  It was a typical courtship in a lot of ways.  Different in others.

Cindy’s family were Christians and believed in overseeing their children’s lives while they lived at home.  Even though Cindy was 21, she still needed to ask permission to go out on a date and had a curfew.  This was so strange to me.  My family were Christians also, but when I was 16 or 17, I would let Mom and Dad know I was going out and what time to expect me home.

Her parent’s actions were kind of comical looking back now.  But somewhat embarrassing at that time.  They were great parents, trying the best they could to raise 8 children to be fine adults.  I love each of Cindy’s family members immensely and am proud to call them my in-laws.

Cindy and her brother and sisters still laugh about one of the things her parents did when the kids were dating.

Their family lived above the printing shop their dad owned.  There was a large area for parking along the street edge.  We would get back from a date and sit in the car talking.  We were back at the house before curfew, but Cindy didn’t go in immediately.  It was the same for her sisters.

It wouldn’t be long until Ken, Cindy’s dad, hollered out the upstairs dining room window.  ‘’Cindy, do you know it is 11:15?’’ or whatever time it happened to be.  This would continue every little while until he finally said it was time to come in.  We laugh about it now, but at the time didn’t think their neighborhood needed a town crier announcing the time.

I had a little, red 1980 Ford Pinto that I purchased brand new just before I met Cindy.  It had a 4-speed manual transmission with the shifter on the floor.  Cindy didn’t know how to drive a manual transmission car.  I thought I would teach her.

That was an experience and a half.  I found out just how much my sweet loving girl could cuss.  I think she would have made a sailor blush.

We were out by Plaman Park and she snubbed out the car trying to pull away from the stop sign.  The more often she stalled the car, the more excited her language got.  She did get it though and did a great job.  But it is something we laugh about.  Now.

The Early Years of Marriage

The first year or two of our marriage were interesting.  That is a nice way to put it.

Cindy had come from a domineering and controlling household and now thought she was free.  I had come from a loving household, but Mom and Dad often fought and Mom was more domineering.  I thought I would never have a wife like that.

Well, my thoughts and Cindy’s thoughts often didn’t match those ideas.

We would get into a discussion, i.e. argument, and I would find out how strong that 5 foot, 2-inch woman of mine really was.  I always joked that there is such a thing as husband abuse.  Boy, that girl had a strong punch.

We also went through a few glasses that first while.  That girl could shatter glasses into more pieces than I thought possible.

Cindy often wanted to be left alone when we were fighting.  I wanted to deal with things and get it settled.  One time we were fighting and Cindy locked herself in our bedroom.

We lived in an old apartment above a store at the time.  The lock was only a hook and eye, and the door hinges were on my side of the door.  So, I popped the pins out of the hinges and took the door off so we could talk.

Cindy came at me swinging when I did that.  I pushed her onto the bed, sat on top of her, and held her arms down.  You might guess that did nothing to calm her down.  I remember sitting there holding her thinking, ‘’You idiot.  If you get tired and let her go, you are a dead man.’’  It worked out fine though.  We both settled down and discussed the matter.

That was a long apartment with a straight shot from one end of it to the other through doorways.  Cindy loved hiding beside a doorway to scare me when I walked into a room.  But that was okay because I did the same to her.  I usually got her more than she got me.

We did some counseling during that period of our marriage.  Our pastor met with Cindy several times and then with me.  He told me that Cindy could express herself towards me like she did because she knew I loved her, she felt safe with me, and that I would love and accept her.  This did make it easier to make it through this.  And we did get through it.  It was a matter of learning to grow together as one.

A funny thing happened during the first couple of months of our marriage.  It was a very hot summer that year.  We didn’t have air conditioning at all.  Just a tabletop oscillating fan someone gave us for a wedding present.  Best present ever.  After 41 years, it still works and still is used.

Well, it was hot and humid one night as we were sleeping.  All of a sudden, I felt myself being pushed onto the floor from our bed.  Cindy said it was too hot for both of us on our full-sized bed and I had to go.  Just married and already sleeping on the couch.  I wasn’t upset as it was cooler on the couch by myself.

That was a great sofa.  I think it was enchanted.  It seemed anytime I sat on it, I would fall asleep.  Boy, that couch was comfortable.

Dumb Husband

Cindy made me promise when we were first married, that I would never help clean the house or do the dishes.  According to her, those were things the wife was to do.  I agreed to that.  It was a dumb promise to make and an even bigger one to keep.

As the years went by, I did my share of cooking, doing laundry, and doing dishes.  But I didn’t help clean the house.  At least not very often.  Cindy worked part or full-time most of the years we were married up to the last 15 years or so.  And she did all the house cleaning as well as other things.

But after a few years of marriage, she started asking me to help her clean.  I told her I promised that I wouldn’t years ago.  And I explained that I did the outside stuff and the house was hers.  Yes, I know I was a fool.

Once I got sick in 2015 and was at home all the time, I started helping with the cleaning.  I saw what a job it had been for her all those years.  I felt so back for my arrogance and stupidity for all those years.  I could have been helping my wife and showing her my love through helping her.  Instead, I acted in a very unloving way.  How much I regret that now.

Incredible Loving Woman

Cindy was always so strong and capable.  We had started a candy business.  The type you see at some business where it is an open box with various items and you put your money in a slot and take your choice of snacks.  Like a vending machine without the machine.

I was in charge of bookkeeping and packing the boxes.  Cindy delivered the boxes and found new customers.  She did this after working 3^rd shift as a nurse’s aide at a nursing home.

She traveled all over Waupaca County and to Appleton on her routes.  Cindy was a gregarious person who excelled at that.  I often heard the stories of her exploits and visits with her customers.

Cindy was always so great with old people and babies.  She loved working in nursing homes caring for people.  She was good at it.  Many times, she found herself working in the dementia wings.  The residents loved and trusted her.

There were a bunch of old farmers in one of the dementia wards where Cindy worked.  Sometimes people with dementia can get combative.  One night, one of the big farmers decided he was mad at Cindy and wanted to hit her.  One of the other big farmers came to protect Cindy and was trying to hit the other guy.

Unfortunately, they were on either side of Cindy so she was the one getting hit by the both of them.  She did get them separated, but not without taking some blows.

Another night she was trying to put a 101-year-old woman to bed.  The woman didn’t want to go to bed and struck out at Cindy.  She got a fat lip from that one.

She loved her residents so much and it was more than just a job for her.  I remember the night she came home after she lost her first resident.

The woman had asked Cindy for a glass of water.  Cindy got her the water and then put her arm under the woman to help her sit up to drink.  The woman drank a little water and then died in Cindy’s arms.  Oh, how she cried when she got home.  It got easier for her as the years went on, but she still hurt each time she lost someone.

Communicating

Cindy and I were often like oil and water in many ways.  She came from a loud household as did I.  Our style of intense communication was often loud and at full volume.  Something I think we both hated but always found ourselves doing.  It isn’t something I recommend.  A lot of it also had to do with one of us feeling as though the other one wasn’t hearing what we were saying.  I wish we had learned how to communicate earlier.

One of Cindy’s love languages was Quality Time.  She often felt I didn’t spend enough time with her due to work and life.

She gave me a card once.  On the face of the card, it has the dog from the Mother Grimm comic strip shuffling papers at a desk.  The writing above it says, ‘’We need to get away from our busy, hectic schedules and spend some ‘’QUALITY TIME’’ together.’’

On the inside the dog looks defeated with its head lying on the desk.  The saying written above the dog is, ‘’I can pencil you in for a few minutes before lunch.’’

Cindy signed it, ‘’I love you a lot, Cindy.’’

I have had that card hanging on the board next to my desk at home for over 30 years to remind me that Cindy needs me.

I didn’t realize how important that was for Cindy until I got sick in 2015.  I couldn’t work anymore and was always at home.  Those were the best years of our marriage, I think.  There was a lot less fighting and we enjoyed being by each other.  I started helping more around the house.  I had always cooked, but now took on more of the responsibilities.

Cindy stopped working around 2006 due to health problems she was having and went on disability in 2008 or 2009.  So, she had been home full-time since then.

Now, in 2015, I was home full-time also.  Cindy loved it.  We did things together as we could.  Just sitting at the table watching TV was fine for Cindy.  We were sitting there together.

Unfortunately, those years weren’t to be long.  She had been volunteering at King Veteran Home, visiting people.  Then Covid hit in 2020 and she couldn’t do that anymore.  Her health started declining more after that.

Life Changes

We learned in late 2020 that she had developed Congestive Heart Failure and severe kidney disease.  It became a balancing act of adjusting her meds so one didn’t affect the other condition.

In 2021, we learned that at the age of 61, Cindy also was beginning with Alzheimer’s disease.  My aunt had that and we had watched her decline with that horrible disease.  Now the woman that I loved had it.

Her condition wasn’t bad, but I could see it gradually getting worse.  I was having to do more things for her that she could no longer do for herself.

We finally decided in the spring of 2023 that it would be best for Cindy to move to a full-time care facility somewhere.  I could no longer give her the care she needed at home myself.  It was a very hard decision.

We had been praying for God to lead us to the place she should go.  Her sisters, Colleen and Ellen, were a big help in finding a location for her.  It worked out that Cindy went to the place all three of us wanted her at.  The care is great and she has a great room all to herself.  She doesn’t have to share a room.

I wasn’t sure of the decision the first few weeks after we moved Cindy to the room.  I was constantly getting calls from Cindy.  Crying, asking me if she could come back home.  Or at least come home for the night.  It broke my heart to tell her no, but I knew it was for her best.

People with dementia need their routine and we had just turned Cindy’s world upside down.  If I took her home, she wouldn’t adjust to her new routine.  I did visit her a lot though and called her when she wasn’t calling me.  Which she often called me.  Like 10 times within 5 minutes.

She did settle in nicely and likes it much better there than at home now.

Sometimes I bring her home for the day.  They eat supper at the home at 4:00.  Once it gets to 3:00 or 3:30 she is antsy and ready to go.  She wants to see her friends at supper.

Our Anniversary

For our anniversary in 2023, I thought I would have her stay overnight with me at home.  That is what she had been asking me for just a month and a half earlier.

We had it planned out.  I would pick her up for church Sunday morning.  We would go to Appleton for a moving and supper.  Then she would stay overnight and I would take her back Monday morning.

Saturday night, I talked to her about it and she was undecided about what she wanted to do.  She really likes her room and the girls will miss her if she is gone.

I laughed and said we would do whatever she wanted to do.  She decided she would stay overnight on Sunday.

Sunday, I pick her up and she has a bag ready to go.  We went to church, then to a movie in Appleton.  Following the movie, I took her to Red Lobster, one of her favorite restaurants.

While we were eating, Cindy was talking about the girls missing her at supper and how much she liked her room.  I knew where she was going with this conversation.

Cindy was going back to her home (room) for the night.  I was glad that after a month and a half, she was so comfortable there.

We were almost back to Waupaca and she said maybe she would go home with me after all.  I laughed at her being silly.  She went back to the home.  It was suppertime.  Even though we had already eaten, she went to the dining room.  She had to tell her friends about her day.  I left and she was laughing and talking about all the fun she had.

These days it seems strange around the house without her.  I go in to see her 3 or 4 times a week.  Her long-term memory is still good.  The short-term is not as good.  She can ask the same question many times in a short conversation.

We get along great again.  It is not the stress of a sick person and her caretaker.  I can just be Cindy’s husband, who loves her.  It is hard watching what will slowly take my wife from me.  But I have been so blessed to have had Cindy as my wife.

A Praying Wife

God gave Cindy to me.  I was praying, ‘’God give me someone I can love, who will love me, and together we can love You.’’  It was after that I met Cindy at a Bible study.  Yes, God does answer prayers.

Two last quick stories about Cindy being a woman of prayer and God answering her prayers.

We didn’t have much money when we were first married.  I loved grapes, but they were a luxury that we couldn’t often afford.

Cindy prayed one day, ‘’God, Mike loves grapes.  Can you please send some grapes?’’

A few days later, a friend stopped over who had gone to the food pantry earlier in the day.  They had cases of grapes at the pantry that were going to go bad if people didn’t take them.  The people there asked our friend if he would like a couple of cases of grapes.

He said sure, he would share them with people.  He brought over at least 5 pounds of grapes asking if we would like them.  I LOVED them.  Lol

Another time we didn’t have enough money for our rent and some other things we needed.  Cindy prayed and asked God to meet our needs.

The next morning someone we knew knocked on our door.  He said his daughter had asked him to bring something over to us.  He handed us an envelope and left.

Cindy was giggling with glee.  She knew God had answered her prayer.  I was a doubting Thomas and said if there was any money in the envelope it might be $50 or $100.  She was confident it would be what we needed.

We opened the envelope and found a note.  The person wrote that when she was praying that morning, she felt God telling her we needed this money.  She hoped it would help us.

We had not told anyone about what we needed.  The only person we told was God when Cindy prayed.

Inside the letter was the money that we needed plus a little more.  I was humbled.  I knew then that God heard Cindy when she prayed.

Ending Thoughts

I encourage you to trust God when you pray.  And having a praying wife is a good thing, you are blessed to have one.

For you who are married, I pray that you always honor your spouse.  Love them.  Treat them as you would Christ.  And don’t be a dummy like I was for so many years.  Help them clean the house and do things.

May you be blessed in your marriages and lives.